The Humanity of our Son

If you don’t believe in spirituality & its relation to humanity, then for the sake of not wasting your time, you can stop reading. 😂 I’m going to share a lot that derives from my connection with my son spiritually &, to me, that’s different than our physical, human connection.

To be honest, I’ve been struggling to attach humanity to our son & I hope that writing my thoughts here will help me make more sense of it.

As you may know, Carlos & I were very intentional about not having kids until we wanted to - truly wanted to. That meant that for many, many years, we warded off the mere thought & possibility by preventing it.

Through all of the "when are you guys gonna have kids?!” & “when you’ll want to, you won’t be able to!” (yes, people told us this, really 😒), we knew we wanted to wait.

It was our right to wait to become parents & I’m so glad that we did.

As we got older, there was always a reason to not get pregnant - “oh, I’ll wait til I’m done with my Bachelor’s”, “we’ll wait til we’re married”, “we’ll wait til I’m done with my Master’s”, “we’ll wait til Carlos is done with school”, “we’ll wait til we have a house”.

There was always, always a reason to wait.

Now, I believe in God, so it’s the lens that I view this concept in, but what’s to be shared next can be solely related to spirituality & how we choose (or are forced) to interact with it.

In 2018, after 11 years with Carlos, 2 years of marriage, I started to have dreams about my son. These were unprecedented, unprovoked (or so I think) dreams that I started to have. At first, they were cute, had very little literal meaning for me.

Then, I started having them regularly - nightly, weekly, monthly. I consider it God’s way of planting the seed for my consideration for motherhood.

In that first year, I had probably 10-15 dreams that were all different about my son. Then, he began to advance in age &, ultimately, I had a dream that I was giving birth to my second. I couldn’t (& chose not to) ignore this.

I brought it up to Carlos & we decided it may be time to put the discussion on the table.

We did & we decided to start trying in the middle of 2019.

As the universe be, we struggled & it was a huge blow to me, not only on a selfish level - how could things not just work the way I plan & want it?! - but also on a spiritual level.

I felt betrayed by God, by spiritual understanding - at least what I thought I understood. In the future, I’ll share more about this very real & raw feeling of betrayal.

Interestingly, throughout these months of waiting & uncertainty, my spirit’s relationship with my son’s spirit was more distinct than ever. It was almost like he was making his existence known, so I wouldn’t give up.

My spirit felt connected to his spirit. We were related already; I was already his mom.

I give this context to talk about my struggle today. He’s not here yet - still a baby inside my womb, but he’s human. However, I’m struggling to know him as a human.

It’s disappointing, especially because I feel like everyone else ONLY knows him as a human. I know the beauty in knowing him spiritually, because I think I’m the only human that knows him that way.

My fear is that I don’t know him as a human.

Who am I as a mom? As a physical, tactile, human flesh mom?

I’ve been Carlos Amado’s mom for years now, maybe for an eternity. His name wasn’t Carlos Amado until 2 months ago. But he’s been MY Carlos Amado for a while now.

I look forward to starting the journey that will transition me into being his human mom. Because, Lord knows, I am very human.

Sana